I am not the same person I was just a few short months ago. It’s crazy how fast things change. If you look at my previous posts, I was doing pretty good, feeling confident. Determined to reach what seemed like some pretty tough goals. Optimistic.
Life was coming together for me. I was starting to get noticed by publishers, getting approved for book reviews. I was pretty proud of myself.
Then, shit hit the fan.

This is the part where my brain doesn’t know where to begin, because I have so many feelings and thoughts running through it.

I SHOULD tell you my backstory… or maybe not. Does it really matter? It’s hard for me, because I do the thing that therapists say NOT to do: I compare and minimize my trauma to other peoples.
It’s not like I went to WAR or anything, so it would be embarrassing to talk about my trauma. What if people judge me?
My therapist said it’s not about the specific incident, it’s about the precarious tower of past pain it lands on. This one was the one that sent the whole thing crashing down.

Let’s just say that 3 years ago, I lost EVERYTHING I knew in one day. My security, my identity, AND, my family. I left the safety of that and moved thousands of miles away to attempt to pick up the pieces. Alone for the first time EVER in my life.
I was so messed up from it, I literally couldn’t speak for days.

Then, out of the blue about a couple months later, another life changer: I’m begged to come back. I can have my life back. (This isn’t a bullshit deal. It’s a real, heartfelt plea. In case you were ready to get your judgy-pants on.)

So, I broke my OWN heart this time, and I chose to leave all the people that had loved me so fiercely through my brokenness, and I moved back.

It’s tough to explain how it was when I got back. I thought I was okay, but something was off with me. I couldn’t remember how to express love anymore. It was the strangest thing. I had always been the most loving person. SO happy to see you walk through that door. Now, I could barely pull myself out of my head long enough to acknowledge your presence.
We chalked it up to an adjustment period. We knew that I had been through something horrible. So, we waited for the old Shelby to come through.
We waited.
And waited.
And the longer we waited, the more guilty I felt, because here I had everything I had ever wanted, someone jumping through hoops, doing EVERYTHING they could to emotionally support me, and I was just plain COLD. I could tell I was hurting the people I loved.

Long story short… Shelby never came back. Therapist says she’s gone forever. My brain actually broke. “Dissociation and depersonalization”
Not Multiple Personalities or anything, just, when it happened, the old Shelby got locked up somewere and lost.

I considered myself an empath prior to this.
Everything I did in life was guided by feeling. My heart was my compass. I’ve been living with a feeling of unease in my body every day. NEEDING to fix my soul, not knowing how.
Sometimes wondering if I even have one anymore.

When the first Anniversary of everything started coming near, I started feeling like there was a monster behind me. I withdrew, I got horrible anxiety. I felt definite PTSD, no doubt.

But, THIS year, I have no words for.

I’m not lying when I say it hit me like a freight train.

-I had nightmares so bad that I’d wake up with deep indentations in my palms from my nails digging in to my clenched fists.
-I would have a feeling of terror. I would be too scared to go back to sleep.
-I would wake up at 3:00 am violently, my heart beating out of my chest, sitting up and the feeling I had was one I can only describe as ‘I was sure something terrible had just happened. Like I needed to check on my loved ones, to be sure they were okay and alive.’
-I would oftentimes wake up and have to run to the bathroom to vomit.

In the daytime, I was just a MESS.
-My hands would shake, visibly, nonstop. So bad that I could’t even bring a spoonful of food to my mouth.
-I became MANIC in an attempt to avoid and distract myself. I would spend an entire day, glued to the computer, researching ANYTHING I could, desperate to find a cure for myself.

This included, but was not limited to:

• Buddhism
• Shamanism
• Ayurveda
• Tarot
• Wicca
• Mindfulness
• Crystal Healing
• Self-hypnosis
• Binaural beats
  

There’s more, but you get it. I was in a COMPLETE state of desperation. Because my mind was unraveling and I could do nothing but sit there and consciously watch it happen.

I started thinking darker thoughts, turned on myself. Suddenly, all the things I had been so firmly against didn’t seem so bad anymore.
I felt alone.
Nobody could ever understand how I feel.
They can never understand what it’s like to feel like a stranger in your own body.
To feel the embarrassment of knowing who you USED to be, and who you are now.

Perhaps the hardest thing to admit publicly is that for some reason, I have been digging my fingernails into my arm so deep that before I realize it, my arm is covered in deep scratches and now scars. I don’t understand. I don’t want to be this person. I miss the old me. I grieve her deeply.

The WORST part of this last month and a half has been the way that my brain has isolated me from what I love: my Book Community, and it’s also caused me to not perform up to my standards for the publishers.

Believe it or not, THIS has been the hardest pill for me to swallow.
The thought that everything I’ve worked for is at stake and probably going down the drain.
Knowing that one day soon, I WILL snap out of this, and I’ll have lost everything (the ONLY thing) that brings me so much happiness in life these days.

To the publishers, and authors, that I have failed by not posting my review on here and my Instagram:
I am so terribly sorry. It was never my intention to half-ass anything. I consider it an honor to be chosen to review these books, and I hope it’s not too late to be considered in the future. I intend to still post all of those features on here within the week.

I apologize for how long this was. I just really wanted to explain myself.

The good news is, I’ve got some exciting books I’m reading, so plenty of reviews coming up, including:

• Gravemaidens, which I just finished!
• Wickerlight, (I’ll probably throw up a quick review of The Wren Hunt before that, since it’s the sequel.)
• The Nameless Queen
• The Iron Will of Genie Lo
• Blood Countess
• The Silvered Serpents (with a review of The Gilded Wolves)
• The Shrike And The Shadows
• Ruthless Gods (with a review of Wicked Saints)

So, as you can see, I’ve got lots of reasons to look forward to the future!!
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that there’s still a place for me in this incredible community, and also that you will please be kind in regards to what I said in this post.

Being Vulnerable is F-ing HARD. and SCARY. I’m human. A broken one. But I’m fighting too. Even if it’s not visible.

If you’ve stuck around to read this, THANK YOU.

Much love and happiness,

Shelby

If you have gone through, or are going through any form of depression, anxiety, trauma, PTSD; PLEASE know that you’re not alone.

Also, I am here. I would love to talk. Not only for you, but for me too.💕

#bookblog #mentalhealthawareness #ptsd #bookreviewer